Random stuff I’ve said.

I basically just went thinking of all the random stuff I’ve said over the years, figured I’d write it all down. In no particular order.

• If at first you don’t succeed, use a bigger hammer. (Works in all sorts of situations, tax audits, guy cuts you off…)
• They say that Road Rage is a problem. It’s not a problem. It’s a solution. If it gets people out of my way so I can get where I need to go, it’s a good thing.
• If you’re the only sane man in an insane world, does that make you Anti-Social?
• He’s as subtle as a case of herpes.
• If there is any justice Bill Clinton & Sandra Fluke would be locked in a phone booth.
• I watch Judge Judy for my daily affirmation: “I am not this loser that stiffed this woman.”
• Every time someone re-tweets me an angel gets his wings. Or follow me. Or something, I don’t know. Do it or the puppy gets it!
• Every sarcastic tweet you make a puppy dies……why do you hate puppies?
• “The Means Justify the Ends.” No, the Means Define The Ends.
• I can’t believe today was completely wasted. All I did was work, not one bit of twitter. feh.
• Is it me, or is it weird seeing a 65 year old woman at Costco thumbing through 50 Shades of Grey? It’s just me then.
• Sigh. I am so far behind I can look back and see my own birth.
• I was wondering, if the Pope sneezes what do they say? “It’s ok, you don’t need to ‘bless me’, I’ve got the hat & the ring, so I’ve got it.”
• Can you imagine if everyone in the Vatican had a cold? I can see the memo, “until further notice the term ‘bless you’ will be suspended”.
• I just once want to see video of the Pope motorcade with the theme from Shaft going in the background. Just once. YouTubing the theme from Shaft now. “The Pope baby, can ya dig it?”
• I just had a thought…..nope sorry, false alarm, as you were.
• Definition of Wisdom: The art of taking “Ow, dammit, that was really really stupid” into useful information.
• Salad is just a means of eating dressing.
• It is never moral or appropriate to take from someone else to fulfill your own feelings of compassion for another, do it yourself!
• Republican definition of charity: Here, let me help you up to be as successful as I am, here’s a little something to help with that.
• Democrat definition of charity: Oh, you poor thing, it must be those people who took away from you, here take his wallet. Money from me? pft
• Every night I give my cats treats, to bribe them so they won’t smother me in my sleep. Cute furry little death machines.
• Coming this fall on NBC: Are you smarter than a Vice President?
• Someone actually asked me what I was going to do for the holiday. Really? I’m a simple guy: Sleep, Eat, Crap, Repeat.
• I find it funny that the New York New York hotel in Las Vegas has authentic homeless guys at the entrance.
• Arizona has two seasons: Hot, and Not-So-Hot.
• Fourteen out of ten people say math is hard.
• I’m a Master at Fung Shway Anything, where the mouth and the mind are totally separated.
• I must say ladies, I am amazing in bed. But then I wake up.
• Want to know the secret to losing weight? If you eat twice as fast it’s in you half as long.
• You know you’re getting old when songs your parents hated, like ACDC, Madonna & Twisted Sister, become elevator muzak “Hmm, isn’t that ‘Big Balls?'”
• I don’t consider myself a Calvinist, Hobbes was much better anyway. Gotta love those imaginary friends.
• I used to think the number of years gauged a man’s age, now I see it’s the number of pills you need to take in the morning. “I’m up to 4.” “Eh, you’re young. Talk to me when you’re in the teens.”
• Life is too short for grudges. So get your revenge early.
• Sarcasm is my mutant super power.
• Tomayto potahto
• Ever notice there isn’t enough evil laughter at inappropriate times? “Hey Gramma, wanna go to the lake? Mwwawawaaa.”
• I find it funny that the Left is opposed to death penalty, for assisted suicide, yet put Sandiuski on suicide watch.
• The saying “if you can’t beat em, join em”, now said by Unions “if they don’t join? Beat em!”
• I think this solves Arizona’s Immigration problem, we just ship all the illegals to Chicago.

WWBD? What Would Breitbart Do?

We’re All Gonna Die!!!!!!……reposted.

I posted this at the beginning of this year, figured I’d repost it. While I still can……{creepy organ music ensues}.

I wish I can remember where I read this, but I saw a cartoon about a year-ish ago. It was a two-panel piece, the left side had an archeologist reading some Mayan hieroglyphics and says “according to this the world is going to end in 2012!”. The right-side panel has the Mayan guy writing on the stone tablet….” Tink tink tink… please remember to order next year’s calendar”.

And The Conservative Of The Year Award Goes To……

                       

 Al Gore.

Yes, I have to thank Al Gore, former Presidential Candidate, Vice President and Senator. He once said that he was the creator of the internet, a move that was much lampooned throughout Conservative circles. However today there is laughter no more. Those of us on the Right for decades felt we had no voice, no means of sharing our point-of-view. Newspapers, t.v. news, movies, academia, all were leaning Left. We had very few means to get our message out, a couple of magazines here, the start of AM radio as an outlet over there.

But then, Al Gore invented the internet.

Slowly Conservatives came to realize that it was a fast medium to express our opinions. From Blogs and Facebook, to a rapid response with Twitter. Bloggers helped to expose a false claim from the Left media about a sitting President prior to an election, and Twitter allows us an almost instant communications medium that helps to fight against the constant barrage of misinformation and propaganda that the Left continues to spread. With humor and facts, point after point after point, we have found our voice.

No, we are no longer laughing. We are uniting. We are finding community. And we have Al Gore to thank. So please join me in a round of applause for our benefactor, Mr. Albert Gore, Jr.

WWBD? What Would Breitbart Do?

Definition of Wisdom

Wisdom is the art of taking “Ow fuck, that was really, really stupid” into useful knowledge.

Camera rejoinders.

For a couple of decades now I’ve had these going on in my head every time I hear on the tv or something. “Oh this photo doesn’t matter, the camera adds ten pounds anyway”. And I keep my mouth shut because I know how much trouble I’d get, but….

“Eh the camera adds ten pounds….”

So how many cameras do you have on?

“Eh the camera adds ten pounds….”

I’m sure the cheeseburgers had nothing to do with it.

“Eh the camera adds ten pounds….”

And what they don’t tell you is that the camera doesn’t take it off too.

“Eh the camera adds ten pounds….”

And that camera would be the one circling you?

 

A really bad bad movie.

Ok a couple of years ago I actually watched….shudder….Transmorphers : The Fall Of Man. I know, I was young and foolish. Work with me here.

Anyway the first ten minutes of the movie starts out with a woman driving down the California highway talking on her cellphone, arguing with her boyfriend. Bruce Boxleitner, local-town sheriff, pulls her over and tells her how dangerous it is to talk on her cellphone but lets her off with a warning. She drives off and immediately gets back on the phone to yell at the boyfriend, where the phone turns into a robot and shoots her in the face.

The movie might as well be a PSA:

“Hi, I’m Bruce Boxletiner. What you saw could have happened. So before you answer that phone while you’re driving, stop and think. You could be distracted and not see that child. Or hit that car. Or even have your face ripped off by a robot and start the robot apocalypse. Is it really worth it?”

The movie doesn’t get any better after that.

You know you’ve been playing too much Skyrim when…..

Yesterday my boss and I were moving computer equipment around when he found a couple of cases that, though they were unlocked, had a set of padlocks on each. So, he locked them. When he was talking with other people about them he realized he needed to get back in them but no one had the key. My initial reaction was “well I have a 73 rating on Lock Picking in Skyrim, I can take care of that…..nah better not say that….”

Rejoinders to “What’s that Lassie? Timmy’s stuck in the well?”

• I’m sorry you had to find that. Blam!
• Pa, Lassie’s been digging by the “play room” again!
• Two words. Ring 3. When you see  the ring Timmy appears.
• Good thing Lassie didn’t find the sister yet

Boys!

Vicky has discovered them

Ever notice there’s never enough evil laughter?

A long time ago I realized something, and that there’s not enough evil laughter at inappropriate times during every day conversations. It can’t just be a mu ha ha either, it has to be a full-throated and with-effort mwahahahaahaaaaaaaa. Take the following conversation as an example:

“Hey Grandma, would you like to go out to the lake?” Mwahahahaahaaaaaaaa.

“We’ll have a great time, going out far into the deep areas.” Mwahahahaahaaaaaaaa.

“And then you can show us all how good you are at ‘fishing’” Mwahahahaahaaaaaaaa!

So the next time you’re talking to your patient or on the phone with your Aunt, maybe even at a traffic stop for the third time, just belt one out in the middle of the discussion and really liven things up. Trust me, mwahahahaahaaaaaaaa!

We’re all gonna die…..!!!!

I wish I can remember where I read this, but I saw a cartoon about a year-ish ago. It was a two-panel piece, the left side had an archeologist reading some Mayan hieroglyphics and says “according to this the world is going to end in 2012!”. The right-side panel has the Mayan guy writing on the stone tablet….” Tink tink tink… please remember to order next year’s calendar”.

Another Rorchach

I saw this ad in a computer magazine, something about message networking or something. I see it as something, well, slightly different.

A Rorschach Test

I saw this in a Gap storefront and I just had to take a picture. Basically every time I see it I see the same thing, so in a way it’s a Rorschach test. So I took the picture and added the caption of what I’m talking about, what do you see?

Advice for my nephew.

Since he’s starting his senior year in high school I gave him the following
advice.

I told him that for the next ten years he’s going to make shit money.

In your 30’s you start to afford things.

In your 40’s you can actually buy things.

In your 50’s everything is paid off.

In your 60’s you make shit money.